Let’s make it one for my baby, and one more for…

… every other occasion possible.

So my completely wonderful/highly awkward fiance is currently en-route home from Thailand – where he spent one day. One day. His first ever day in Thailand actually and it had to be the day on which a full-blown military coup took place (he seems to be highly prone to awkward situations, for example he once swallowed an olive whole – which resulted in four days in hospital. He went to Pakistan and had to be flown home a week early because he got such bad food poisoning that his boss was genuinely worried that he might die – thus completely wonderful/highly awkward)!

Dressing up and whisky and gingers
Chris actually dressed as my Opa

Yesterday after he told me that he’d been asked to not leave his hotel room unless it was to go to the airport (which he should probably do straight away), I got home and made myself a Whisky and Ginger, timeless classic of an alcoholic beverage and favoured by my late Opa (also a wonderful/awkward very tall person). Later in the evening I had this conversation with my sister:

“Are you looking at the news?”

“No.”

“Are you looking at the news?”

“Yes.”

“Stop it.”

“I do actually need to know whether he can get out of the country or not.”

“The news isn’t going to tell you that.”

“I’m not sure you understand the concept of news…”

“You should have a drink.”

“I’ve just had a Whisky and Ginger.”

“That is a very good drink for a time like this, well done on your drink choice.”

And it’s true, I seem to have a knack for picking the perfect alcoholic beverage for every situation. So I thought I’d share this talent of mine with you, just in case (heaven forfend) you are ever stuck deciding what to drink for which occasion. Read on!

Whisky and Ginger: When anyone is in danger, is dying or has died. We snuck this one into my Opa’s hospital room just before he went and it did wonders for his last days on earth. This is also a good drink for when you’re feeling a little bit vintage – goes very well with a 1950s cocktail dress or a three-piece suit. Also good in pubs.

Gin and Tonic: Any time! Good for stress and marvelously refreshing it is best drunk in a sunny garden when you’ve just arrived home from work. It’s also great during theatre intervals. Goes with any outfit, including pajamas.

gin and tonic
Casual G&T

Bacardi and Coke: Or as my grandmother called it: Liquid Sunshine. Best consumed in the sun or in a club. For me it’s dancing juice which should help you choose an appropriate outfit.

Malibu and Coke: NEVER.

Bucks Fizz: Only the mornings, there is no excuse for drinking a Bucks in the afternoon! Best drunk on important occasions or a decadent Sunday and must be consumed only in pajamas.

FIZZ FIZZ: Always! But best on Fridays for celebration and alliteration purposes. All big celebrations call for a glass of fizz making it simply the only thing to order at weddings, bar mitzvah’s, birthdays, visits from friends, meeting up with long-lost family members you never knew you had, engagements, etc… Goes with any and every outfit.

Engagement photo
Cheers!

Sherry: Best consumed on Sunday afternoons, accompanied by Agatha Christie and knitting, but also good for a lazy mid morning tipple if you’re 60 years old and over (like me). Goes best with dresses and nighties (curlers optional).

Cheers

Manhattan: Also best on Fundays and Sundays. Beautifully vintage and just a wee bit jazzy this is one for special Saturdays and cherished bank holidays. Goes with any outfit but best accompanied by a full skirt and a red lip (although my dad tends to match it with nautical wear – can’t say I approve but it does work).

Martini: All and any time of the day but best consumed on great nights out with friends and loved ones or in the bath. Can be varied to suit ones tastes (gin, vodka, dry, wet, twist, olive) and makes any outfit ensemble look better. WARNING: more the than four martinis is an ill-advised plan. Experience is a hard school but fools will learn in no other (I’m getting there).

martinis and sparkley dresses
It really does improve any outfit.

Archers and Lemonade: NEVER.

White Wine: After all of the above! Best consumed in the sunshine and with friends. Never drink cocktails, fizz, sherry, G&Ts or W&Gs after wine, it is the main course, not the starter of the alcoholic world. Goes with any outfit but may suit the more casual among us. And remember Mama G’s rules on stem holding and approved mixers.

Red Wine: Best consumed during family dinners and nights in front of the fire. Goes fantastically well with snuggly jumpers and wooly blankets. WARNING: do not wear white!

Red wine and cuddles.
Red wine and cuddles.

Brandy: Bed times and bathtimes. Pajamas and onesies.

I hope this helps you enjoy your bank holiday weekend to the full! Go forth and drink appropriately!

“Oh you BITCH…”

“…no I don’t mean you Doctor, I’m sorry, you’re not a bitch, you’re…lovely, it’s the pain, the pain is a bitch, it’s…bitchy.”

Is what I said to the doctor anaesthetising my leg during my first ever minor (or otherwise) operation. This experience has prompted me to put together a little “Do and Don’t” list for anyone preparing to go through such a so-called minor procedure (I should mention at this point that I have quite a serious phobia of the method by which anaesthetic as administered, thus the complete and huge over-reaction to what I’m sure most other people take as a routine procedure):

DON’T: call your doctor a bitch. That one is pretty simple.

DO: start your day with a small to middling sized sherry.

DON’T: go alone, it’s always an embarrassing experience to find yourself tightly holding on to a nurse who really should be swabbing something and who is becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your invasion of their personal space. I have to confess that this is something I have previously learned from dentist appointments and therefore asked my father accompanied me (poor guy), which brings me on to…

DON’T: bring a professional musician with you. I was holding his hand so tightly that he started to worry that I was going to break his fingers and thus ruin his musical career forever. To be fair I think anyone would rather not have their fingers broken by a sobbing lunatic. He really was a jolly good sport about the whole thing.

DO: bring tissues.

DON’T: LOOK DOWN. Unless, of course, you enjoy watching people remove parts of your body with tiny but very sharp knives – each to their own.

DO: partake in a full body shower before you have the “minor op”. I was unaware of the don’t-shower-for-at-least-two-days-after-you’ve-have-a-weird-mole-removed-from-your-leg rule. ERROR. Thank the Lord for dry shampoo.

DON’T: ask why the plasticky bed thing that they make you lie on has gone a really sinister colour in the middle (the bit where everyone’s bottom lies), they won’t tell you the answer and I think it’s probably worse to wonder why than to actually know.

All in all I caused such a fuss that when I went to have my stitches removed this morning the nurse said “have you calmed down now?” Nice woman.

I normally try to sign off my blogs with some sort of picture or visual representation of my chosen subject however I am fully against publishing (on any forum) pictures of one’s wounds, scars, gashes or drip lines (you know who you are), plus if you actually saw what I am making such a big deal about you’d think I’m a complete knob.

“Can you guess what it is yet…”

…I promise that that is the last time I shall ever quote Rolph Harris (for obvious reasons) but it seemed an appropriate title because I’m doing another Guess What I Am Dressed As blog post!

As mentioned in my most previous blog post, I have decided to post any pictures of outfits that make people laugh at me, which happens surprisingly often. I arrived home last Friday to yet more Christopher-sounding giggles, seemingly because of this outfit…

dressup fashions
Last Friday’s Outfit

If you haven’t guessed who I’m being then you haven’t tried hard enough because quite clearly I am dressed as a liberal thinking member of the WWII French Resistance. I have my 1940s spy hat on and everything (a fact which after two years of living with me, Christopher should have known). I can tell you that spending one’s Friday pretending to be a French spy secretly fighting for the winning side of a world war really brightens up what is otherwise a please-be-over-soon-so-I-can-go-and-have-an-actual-life-for-a-full-42-hours sort of day. I urge you to give it a go.

Go forth! And send me pictorial evidence!