So I spent half of last week waiting for that special time in every woman’s month; the special time when your womb reminds you that it’s still there and that it’s really, really angry with you. During those three to four days prior to my “lady time” arriving, I quite simply become a different person. This is what Chris and I lovingly refer to as the Emotional Danger Zone. If you are wondering whether you also suffer from this particular affliction read on for the 12 signs that you are in the Emotional Danger Zone (I started with a nice round 10 but it turns out there are more than I thought):
- If you can’t find your keys/phone/lip salve in your handbag, you burst into tears.
- If you watch a John Lewis advert you burst into tears.
- You want to eat your body weight in cheese.
- If you can’t find any cheese in your fridge you burst into tears.
- Chocolate feels like the only thing in the world that truly understands you and your ambitions for life.
- When you can’t find any chocolate in your fridge you burst into tears.
- Your normal personal space sphere widens by 10 meters and develops a steel exterior so that when your other half tries to affectionately stroke your back you accidentally punch them in the face.
- If you accidentally punch your other half in the face, you burst into tears.
- When people say the word “exercise” you have to refrain from spitting at (or near) them.
- You feel a very strange and intriguing mix between severely angry and quite aroused (the outcomes of this particular feelings “mash-up” are interesting and variable).
- You feel like wearing a T-shirt which says “Approach With Caution”.
- On top of that t-shirt you feel like wearing a sign which says “Do Not Approach.”
If you can recognise any of these symptoms there is a strong chance that you are also in the Emotional Danger Zone. I recommend you find yourself an empty room, with a TV (sometimes it’s good to cry to John Lewis adverts), some chocolate, some cheese and some elasticated trousers. Hopefully this will help placate the womb – let me know how it goes!