…only joking! I was going to write a Brexit blog but I came up against two major problems:
- I’m working very hard to leave depression behind me so Brexit is absolutely the worst thing to have happened right now. Not only is it the most depressing thing that’s happened to the UK in the past 70-80 years but it’s also going to cause a financial, economical, sociological & political depression, there are just too many depressions in there for me. (Tip to anyone trying to come off antidepressants: don’t trust in the general public, they’ll only let you down, go and live in the forest while you stop taking Citalopram and make friends with the animals – not wolves though.)
- I’m in danger of becoming a hateful person, the kind of person who says things like “the problem with the lower classes, is they breed much faster than us” before realising that I’ve said it. So I either have to stay away from these subjects or go and live in a P.G. Wodehouse book.
Therefore! I decided to write about a subject far superior in it’s importance to the demise of the United Kingdom and the conscience of society as a whole – Pop Music.
I grew up listening to Holst, The Planets. I remember going to school discos and having no idea how or why everyone knew the dance moves to songs that I’d never heard of and didn’t particularly like. During my teenage years a got a little more cool and spent all my time listening to Frank Sinatra. I went through a minor Emo phase where I sort of listened to bands like Three Doors Down and Biffy Clyro but mostly this just manifested itself in Garbage songs from the 90s. At uni I tried my best to like the songs I heard in “da club” (lingo) but mostly this just led to some very questionable outfit decisions, a predilection for tequila, a girl crush on Katy Perry and a very dramatic yet highly enjoyable lesbian relationship. So, it has transpired that at the age of 26 all the Teeny Pop stuff I’ve missed out on so far in my life, has come back to bite me on on my new pop-loving hiney.
Reader, I cannot tell you how much I love Selena Gomez, or as my husband refers to her, The Naked Teenager. I just love her! I know she can’t sing, I know she shouldn’t think that underwear is clothing, I know her songs her vacuous and repetitive but I completely heart them! The songs she’s “written” about her breakup with Justin Beiber hit me in emotional places! And the upbeat songs are bloody AMAZING to exercise to (potentially just because it presents her skinny form in my mind’s eye for motivation/anger). Kill Em With Kindness, oh what a message, she should be bloody president (realistically, ANYONE would be better than Donald Trump, who, in light of recent political events, I fully believe will become leader of the most powerful country in the world).
My next new favourite is Meghan Trainer. I listen to her in the car constantly, it makes me feel like I’m driving a Range Rover and not a second hand Vauxhall Astra. Now, granted she’s slightly less Teeny Popper-yy because she can actually sing and she does write all her own songs and she can play like six instruments or something, nevertheless, I’m really not sure I’m necessarily her target audience. Me Too though, I listen to this song in the mornings, dance in front of the mirror, wear something I know my husband will laugh at and feel incredible about the whole thing!
Now I’m a 100% sure I’m not part of this next person’s demographic; Hailee Steinfield. When I told Chris she’d made a record he was upset because he knew her as the awesome girl from the film ‘True Grit’ and was sad to see her join The Naked Teenager brigade. And under the whole Naked Teenage bracket thing, I believe her first single caused a bit of stir because it is essentially about masturbation. She’s kind of used it as a metaphor for loving yourself inside and out but lyrically it is just a description of some alone bedroom time. However, when 12 year old girls are listening to and watching videos of people like Rhianna (who use systematic humiliation and abuse of other women in some of their videos and have unfortunately mistaken female empowerment for female nudity and violence against other women) I think it’s a vast improvement if they’re listening to song about the perfectly healthy subject of female masturbation. If we taught all teenage girls about the benefits of self lady love there would probably be a lot fewer teenage pregnancies in the UK – you’re welcome NHS!
So there you have it, I’ve put the world to rights, through the medium of the Teeny Pop I love despite the fact that I am a 26 year old married lady with my own house, cats and business. My advice to any teenagers is, listen to classical now and pop later, it seems to be more fun in your mid twenties – all the pop, none of the angst!