…To Look on the Bright Side
So this week has been a really shit week. It all started with cat piss. Cat piss is the worst kind of piss. Even after you’ve soaked (literally soaked) the whole area in pure bleach you can still smell it for about eight years after you’ve cleaned it all away. My cat, Nunney (I didn’t know that was a euphemism for vagina when I named her that btw) went through a phase of pissing on the kitchen surfaces, right next the cooker – hygienic. This has resulted in the cupboard where I keep MY PLATES smelling like cat piss for months on end. I finally thought we’d solved the problem by various different methods and have gone without pissy plates for about a month. But oh no, I went away for one night, ONE NIGHT on Friday and to punish me Nunney started pissing on the bloody kitchen surfaces again.
My husband is currently in Vietnam. He’s there a lot. Sometimes it feels like he’s there more than here. He has a favourite restaurant he likes to go to every time he’s in Hanoi. What kind of dickhead has a favourite restaurant IN VIETNAM? So I have no one who I can say “I cleaned it last time, it’s your turn” to, so not only am I lonely, I’m lonely AND up to my elbows in cat piss. My husband is not just in Vietnam, he’s ill in Vietnam. I got a message from him on Monday to say he’d been ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL in Vietnam. So not only am I lonely and up to my elbows in cat piss, I’m frantically worrying about my poorly husband who is 7,969 miles away. I can’t afford a flight to Vietnam, and do you know how many hours it would take to walk to Vietnam? 2,582 hours. By which time he’ll be home and complaining about still feeling poorly, the hideous irony of which is that when he’s home complaining about still feeling poorly, I’ll probably wish he was back in Vietnam!
And do you know why I can’t afford a flight to Vietnam? Because I lost a contract this week. I am now a third poorer than I was before (relatively poor) and not only am I poor, I’m seriously questioning my whole self-worth! I must be the most unemployable person ever if I can’t even keep myself employed! I’m a borderline unemployed, self-employed person. That’s just fucked up! After I was let go from my contract I had to fill my car up a stones throw from the place I (now) used to work for. This and the entire distraction of all of the above meant that I filled my car up with petrol, which would be fine, IF I DIDN’T OWN A DIESEL CAR.
After all of this and because I’m only a week back on my medication I’ve decided that it is VITAL that I focus on the positives so that I avoid the oh-so-alluring, velvety dark spiral of doom that every depressed person knows is a tempting place to fall into.
SO, the positives are:
- The AA man who told me that I’d put petrol in my car instead of diesel was really nice. He was so nice that my Mother In Law who was with me at the time gave him a huge hug. I’m Aspergers so I can’t think of anything worse than hugging a complete stranger (whose covered in petrol from my diesel car) but I definitely gave him a metaphorical hug. I hugged him with words. Not weird words. Just nice, appropriate, thankful words. In fact he’s the second AA man I’ve had to call out this year and they’ve both been thoroughly helpful and understanding and non-judgemental.
- I have great nails. Now I know that this might seem like I’m scraping the barrel a bit and that’s because I am, but positives are positives and I’m going to focus on them no matter what. My nails are naturally strong and long, people ask me if they’re fake all the time. And if we’re really focusing on the positives here, I now have a little extra time to paint them!
- I have an AMAZING family. They always gather a little closer around me when Chris is away but this time they really have been invaluable. They have been there to feed me, place much-needed glasses of fizz in my hand, hug AA men for me, tell me that everything will be okay, that when one door closes another one opens, that I’m going to be just fine. I can’t imagine where and who I would be right now without them.
- Reality TV exists. When I’m doubting whether or not I’m a good person who has their shit together, I like to watch Ex On The Beach. It helps me realise that even if I don’t entirely have everything together ,there are definitely people who have no shits to gather together in the first place.
- Tomorrow is another day. No matter how bad it gets, the sun will always rise on another morning and another opportunity to make positive changes. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up and get my arse out of bed and do a work-out and a meditation and be hopeful again. My husband will be home soon and I will get more work soon and I will never (probably) fill my car up again with petrol again (unless that is in fact the non-renewable energy that it runs on) and when all of those things happen I’ll be a stronger person than I was before.
By the way, Chris is completely fine. This is not the first time he’s been ill on a trip, it’s the first time he’s spent the night in hospital but still. Next time he goes on a trip I’m sending him away with 63 Tracker Bars and a large supply for Vitamin C tablets – those will be the only things he’s allowed to consume for the entire trip.