Well Hello Mr Gray…

…I have not been expecting you.

If you think this is going to be a blog post about BDSM then I’m sorry (or not – whatever your preference) to say it’s really not going to be. I, like most people think that the loosing of ones virginity should happen with your awkward teenage boyfriend who lit one candle he borrowed from his mum in a bid to be romantic/when you’re a bit pissed in the back of a car with a quite charming but relatively unknown individual, not in the eye watering ways in which E L James would advise – never trust a woman who has clearly never had thrush and cystitis at the same time.

No, this blog post is about the grey, that strange and murky area that lurks between black and white, or as they are otherwise known, good and bad. I’ve always been an extreme black and white thinker, in fact I met someone for five minutes the other day, we had a lovely chat and then I had to go and talk to someone else (PR Darling) and the lovely person I had just met turned to my mother and said “she’s quite a black and white thinker isn’t she?” AFTER FIVE MINUTES.

This struck a chord with me and sure enough a few days later I had a grey epiphany. I saw the grey in a situation for the very first time. I could see that lots of people were upset and that they all had their valid reasons and that there really was no one person to blame – there was no right or wrong – it was disturbing! I’ve always lived in a world of my own making where right and wrong have been very clearly defined, life’s just more comforting that way, but now I’m living in this weird strange place where there seems to be no right or wrong at all, just stages; just degrees of ambiguity. I’ve always been so sure! For example: leggings as trousers – wrong, leggings as tights – right. Simple. But now I’m in this place where I can kind of see both sides; sometimes trousers are uncomfortable, why not just let it all hang out with leggings on, they’re stretchy, they forgive, and so what if you can see pants through them, what if the pants are nice, or have a jazzy picture on the back (I have a pair that say Vote Ernie on the back, who wouldn’t want to see those!?)? Perhaps the trousers are the bad ones – keeping legs confined into strict lines, not pulling on properly when you’ve moisturised or you slept through your alarm and are trying to hurriedly dress whilst still slightly wet from the shower – perhaps it’s leggings instead of trousers!

What on earth has happened!? I can feasibly see an argument for wearing leggings instead of trousers! What has become of me!?

I know there are slightly more important things than this particular dilemma in the world (slightly), like cheating for example, I was having a conversation with someone about that the other day and where once I thought having sex with someone when you’re actually in a monogamous relationship with someone else just plain old made you a really bad person, now I’m not so sure. I can see that there are two sides to every story, motives are all messed up and tangled with conflicting emotions – people are bloody complicated! I can no longer just say that person is bad and that person is good because people don’t work that way, life doesn’t work that way, nothing is monochrome. It’s a frikin revelation (especially as someone who comes from an entire family of adulterers).

It took one, not so complicated situation for me to see the grey and now I can’t stop. It’s uncomfortable but I think it’s good. Good for me. Of course there are still somethings that are just right and wrong; voting Ukip: WRONG, watching episodes of Stars In Their Eyes from the 80s: the best thing ever. I guess in becoming used to being able to see a whole spectrum of colours that I’ve never been able to see before I have to take comfort in the fact there are still circumstances in which there is bad a good, but perhaps those two aren’t as clean-cut as I used to believe they were.

Just when I thought I had it all licked, sodding life had to teach me another lesson, well bring it on! Now I can see the grey I think I’m much more prepared.

Let’s Focus on the Positives…

…I hate that Chris goes away all the time, it sucks balls and not in a good way (you know what I mean). When he’s not here I get all morose and mopey, washing my hair seems like a waste of good water and eating becomes more of an optional day time activity than a necessary bodily function (I know you might be wondering why this post is called Let’s Focus on the Positives – stick with me). Chris got back from Indonesia on Thursday and I was in a pretty bad way. It’s taken me the weekend but I have managed to get my mood a little more regulated, things look better today than they have done for a good couple of weeks. But the thing is, this is Christopher’s job (and quite frankly while I’m ramping up the old freelance career it’s COMPLETELY necessary), he’s been doing it for a year and a half now and it’s about bloody time I got sodding used to it. I’m not saying that I want to be happy about Chris going away – that would be weird and quite frankly a warning sign on the whole spending the rest of our lives together thing, but in order to level out my despair at his absence I think I need to come up with a list of positives to focus on the next time he goes away.

So let’s start; Five Good Things About Being Without Your Significant Other:

  1. Underwear Times: I’m not talking about using Chris’ absence as a reason for wearing all the comfy but shit underwear I own (you know, the ones with the weird pattern that hold the memories of when you first felt all independent and free buying yourself pants as a teenager, but which have since gone a sinister grey colour and are weirdly faded in the gusset)  – we’re getting married, I stopped buying lace underwear a good two years ago, if you keep that sort of crap up they’re just going to expect it forever. I’m talking about wandering around the house in it. You might think, don’t I do that anyway (?) but really unless it’s pre or post coital I tend to be fully (or mostly) clothed at all times, especially during the winter. Wondering around in a t-shirt and my pants would feel weird if Chris was around and fully clothed too, actually if he was also wearing a t-shirt and his pants it would be even more weird. But wandering around the house in that state of semi-dress when there is no-one in it but you is perfectly acceptable and more than a little bit fun.
  2. No Food Consultations: There’s not the whole “what do you feel like for dinner tonight?” “I feel like curry.” “Curry? Urgh, what about cheesy pasta?” “We always have cheesy pasta.” “That’s because it’s very very tasty.” “I still feel like curry though.” There’s just “CHEESY PASTA YEEEEAAAAHHH.”
  3. Work Absorption: Generally I work all day and then when Chris get’s home I spend the evening with him but when that doesn’t happen I have my evenings open to write and email and all sorts, which can lead to more productivity…but sometimes just a lot of time spent watching cat videos.
  4. Cat Favouritism: Not that I necessarily want to be the cats’ favourite owner but I LOVE that I am (love’s not a competition…but I’m winning). Little Gusgus just follows me around like a feisty little imaginary friend, and these days I can just walk up to my little scaredy cat Nunney and give her a stroke, which has taken MONTHS to achieve. Cat’s are fickle and I know that if Chris was the one feeding them and cuddling them at night they’d like him more, but he’s not, so there.

    Cats getting in the way of work
    Computer Cat
  5. Keeping the Magic Alive: Don’t get me wrong, I would prefer it if Chris were here all the time, getting under my feet, telling bad jokes, generally annoying and irritating me, but in the spirit of looking on the bright side I do have to admit that there is excitement to be found in his frequent absence; I get all funny in my tummy when I’m on my way to pick him up from the train station or when I get the text to say he’s landed and he’s on his way home. In fact I get butterflies every time I receive a text from him. I plan lovely things we’re going to do when he’s back, sometimes I do buy a pair of pants with a bit of lace on (as long as they’re in the M&S 3 for 2 section). I have plenty of opportunities to miss him and this means a constant reminder of just how important he is to me, how much we love each other and how lucky we are that this is the case. Abracafrikindabra.Two lovers in Paris

If there’s one thing I know about my brain it’s that it is inclined towards the melancholy, so hopefully this will be part of the training to get my mood at a more consistent level of contentment. I’m not asking to bounce out of bed every morning rejoicing in the rising of the sun (although that would be nice), I just really want my first thought to be “Oh! Another day!” not “Oh. Another day.” – if you know what I mean. Onwards and upwards people, onwards and upwards!

Dot and Lucy Engagement Photoshoot

 

Oh my God I forgot one! What I fool.

6.   Sometimes I get to go too! Now THAT’S a pretty good deal.chilling out in vietnam

See, once you look for one positive, you’ll find many more!

My Daily Creations!

A week or so ago I decided that I would create one thing every day, in the hopes of pulling myself out of depression, living a more creative as well as active existence and getting the creative juices flowing on the whole business building, making money thing. So far it’s going quite well, I’ve been busy knitting and sewing, emailing and networking and I have to say that I am indeed feeling hopeful on all counts and it all started with a pom pom…

Create something every day

knitted hat, create something every day

And since then things have been progressing nicely…

knitted table placements, create something new every day

handmade bridesmaid dress, create something every day

shabby chic candelabra, create something new every day

Create something new every day

knitted coasters, create something new every day

wedding bunting! create something new every day

handmade wedding invites, create something new every day!
Evening wedding invites!

The days can still be dark but spending some hours writing, knitting, sewing, making and creating provide vital and much treasured moments of light. I think the important thing is not to push it, to do one or two really good things a day, rather than three of four not so good ones. I would encourage anyone struggling to see the light to do the same.

handmade table runner, create something new every day!

 

By the by, if you click on the above image it’ll take you to my Etsy shop – just so you know…

 

How to…

…create good things from bad.

Sometimes I see mental health issues as some kind of weird blessing. Couple of reasons: because my bad can be really, really bad I am able to truly appreciate how good the good really is. I used to envy the people who seemed to drift, freely and lazily through life but now I almost feel sorry for them, I have the experience of extremes to draw from, and it benefits me greatly, they do not.  Also, because my fight with anxiety and depression helpfully highlighted some changes that I really needed to make to my mindset and my living and this essentially freed me from a situation in which I was completely stuck and deeply unhappy.

Somedays I feel like that, but not today. Today feels shit. Yesterday did too. Suppose you can’t suffer from depression without getting depressed sometimes – bugger.

So today I made a decision! I’m absolutely happiest when I’m creating things. I like reading, and drinking wine in front of the telly really can feel blissful, getting dressed up to go out for cocktails can be fun, but really I am my most excited, content, joyful when I’m in the zone and making something from not much (mostly just thoughts – and sometimes a bit of old curtain). The only problem is my slightly malfunctioning brain; instead of waking me up in the morning and saying “go forth Milldred! Create things of such wonderment that people will laugh at you until they’re blue in the face and you’ll bloody love it!” It says, “oh look, it’s the day-time, we don’t like that do we? No, let’s stay in bed, shall we? Yes. You know it’s really not safe out there, you’re better off in here, with the cats…and Facebook.”

old curtain for making new things!
Wasn’t lying about the bits of old curtain…

But I’m taking charge! I’m going to create something, anything, at least one thing a day. And by saying to my brain every morning, ‘back off you old grouch, we’re making knitted pom poms today and we’re going to like it, aren’t we? YES.” I’ll be able to take back my mood and turn the day into a positive one, instead of a negative one. It can be anything; a blog; a short story; the chapter of a book; a tea cosy; a table runner; a great opportunity; a treacle tart (sounds like a good one for tomorrow). And I’m going to challenge myself. I mean for starters I’m already trying to create a whole self-employed business thing out of thin air (also a great deal of passion…but mostly thin air – if it keeps everyone else alive I can work with it). Yesterday I sewed part one of my bridesmaid dress for my best friend’s wedding (it’s currently see-through, part two is the slip – would be bad if I forgot that bit). I’ve signed up to do a craft fair, to try to sell some the nonsense I make, because I love the idea of the things I have so much fun creating going into someone elses’ home and becoming part of their everyday lives (plus I have my half of the mortgage to pay). I’ve never sewn a shirt before so I bought a cheap pattern and some £2.99 a meter cotton and I’m going to try to make a shirt, probably going to turn out really badly but at least I will have tried and you can’t get take-two without doing a take-one. Today I’ve created this blog post, tomorrow I’m going try to pitch some freelance articles and create an opportunity to get my work published.

creating one thing everyday
And I did make a pom pom today!

Once I’ve gotten out of bed to create one thing, who knows what other things might present themselves during the day? I’m taking charge! And I urge anyone else who’s pesky brain is keeping them down to do the same. And I’m going to need picture evidence of all that is created…

create one things every day, knitted pom pom
Now there’s one for the craft fair
create something new every day, knitted pom pom
Not bad…POM POM

By the by I shall be posting a daily picture of whatever I’ve created every day on my social media so follow me on Instagram or Twitter for the #createaday low down!

Travelling taught me…

…a whole heap of stuff! I haven’t really done that much travelling in my life. I’ve been lucky enough to spent a lot of time holidaying and sometimes living in Europe but my travels outside of this lovely continent have been minimal thus far in my life. So I knew that my trip to Vietnam and Brunei was going to be a learning curve, just not quite such a steep one!

Okay, here we go…

  1. Never carry your passport around with you when you’re sightseeing or exploring and always leave a bit of money and a credit card out of your purse and in your hotel room.
  2. I need a giant and gold Buddha in my garden…Get holidays tree! Travel, Vietnam, what travel taught me
  3. …To go next to me pink sparkly Happy New Year tree.
  4. I need to improve my maths to avoid getting conned out of the correct change.
  5. Food is just better when it is in miniature.hotel food, vietnam, cocktail hour
  6. Being in a completely blacked-out plane whilst it shudderingly and shakily descends towards earth in a full-on thunder AND lightening storm is HORRIBLE. Fully abused the free booze in the airport lounge after that experience.
  7. The Vietnamese sure know how to make a mausoleum.Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, Hanoi
  8. Severe food-poisoning on a thirteen and a half hour flight is a harrowing experience.
  9. Air Malaysia toilet paper is proper rough…
  10. Money does grow on trees.Ho Chi Minh, September 23rd Park Tet Flower Markets
  11. Don’t look up the symptoms of Malaria and then consult your doctor about it – you’ll spend hours in A&E.
  12. Giving blood is a less traumatic experience than I remember it being.
  13. Hotel slippers are generally quite small.Small hotel slippers, Ho Chi Minh, Saigon
  14. There can be great inspiration in travel.travel writing in vietnam
  15. There can be great relaxation in travel.relaxing in vietnam
  16. I think out of all religions I’ve ever come across I like Buddhism the best.The temple of literature, Hanoi
  17. I need to take a leaf out of the Vietnamese ladies’ book and learn some self-defence.Vietnam Women's Museum, Hanoi
  18. I need to stop letting Chris take pictures of me.long-haul travel attire
  19. I’m a very lucky lady to be able to experience other countries and cultures. I have so much compared to some of the people I met on my travels and I should remember to be thankful for that every single day.Lucky lady in Hanoi, Vientam
  20. I’m not a born or natural traveler but I think I should see as much of this world as I can, to widen my mindset as well as my knowledge of the planet I live on and the world I live in.A gateway to the future.

How To…

…maintain a relationship through mental illness.

It’s no secret that Depression and anxiety are tough illnesses to bear, but not least for your family and loved ones. Any illness puts strain on any relationship – man flu could (and most likely does) break up the most solid of partnerships. And when your partner is lying on the floor rocking back and forth with tears streaming down their cheeks and asking you to section them, I can understand why that might be a tough thing to take.

Wedding guest outfits

Two weeks after I first had to leave work due to mental illness Chris went away for three weeks on a work trip. It seemed like terrible timing, however, looking back on it now leads me to think it was actually exactly what I needed. I heard a stupid song not too long ago, probably written by a stupid man, the lyrics of which dictate that “you’re nobody ’till somebody loves you”, which I have to say it utter codswallop (euphemism). Love helps, it really does, but the love of someone else can only go so far, love for oneself has to do the rest.

The three weeks I had without Chris gave me the perfect opportunity to work on me, spend a little time with myself and get comfortable with who I am. And it was nice! I think one of the best things you can do for any relationship is make sure you’re happy alone, because if you’re not, the likelihood is that no one will be able to fill the gap you already have within you. A partner can stop you feeling lonely, but may be not stop you feeling alone (I have a feeling that might be a song lyric?)

When Chris got home we went through a bit of an adjustment period. He wanted to help and tried to be understanding but it was hard for him to comprehend it all and it was hard for me to communicate with him. It was a bit of a mess really, not an oh-my-giddy-aunt-this-is-never-going-to-work-out mess, but a we-need-to-make-a-few-changes mess. So I wrote him a letter (time-honoured and much underrated communication form). I did a few drafts, I made sure I was explaining myself clearly and I gave it to him to read alone. After he read it he came downstairs and gave me a big kiss and we’ve had very few miscommunications since!

A Parisian Kiss
I am aware that I look like a dwarf in this picture

I decided on a letter because I’m a crier. I cry a lot. About every other day I burst into tears, either for good or no reason, it matters not. Chris is kind of used to it now but I have been told that the sight of their spouse crying has a somewhat panic inducing effect on many loving partners. It’s like what happens to me when someone poses me a maths question; I panic, I can’t actually focus on reason any more, it feels like numbers are shouting at me, it’s stressful. So I took tears out of the equation (evil things) and instead of me explaining myself through sobs and snot, I did it in a way that Chris could take as much time and space as he needed to mull over my point of view.

And it worked! He has been the most amazing support system since (not that this wasn’t always his intention). The other day I text him to say that I didn’t think I could get out of bed because I didn’t know what to do and he text back straight away with the best advice – to do just three small tasks one at a time; to get out of bed, to make myself some breakfast, and to do some yoga and then the day will have begun and I’d know what to do. And it worked. I told my therapist about it this morning and she said “he’s a really good fiance isn’t he?”

Yes he bloody is.

My fiancé with our gorgeous cat!

The power of…

…acceptance.

So as mentioned in my last blog post on what care homes are teaching me, my Oma is my idol, she is The Legend. But she has Vascular Dementia which is a very cruel decease because it seems that when someone in really old all they have left is their memories, their life experiences; the children they’ve raised; the adventures they’ve been on; the big achievements of their lives, but Dementia strips you of all of these things, leaving you with only a few moments of the present that disappear quickly into the misty blue hole of the mind where all other memories and knowledge have also travelled.

I LOVE visiting my beloved Oma every day but it is emotionally draining. Visiting her is a whole world of highs and lows. One minute she’s providing witty banter, the next she’s trying to remember who my mother is (that would be her daughter) and what my mother’s name is (that would be Georgina, the name she bestowed upon her as a baby). Or she’s worried about her son Stuart because she thinks he’s recently been in a serious car crash – which he was…in around 1975. That sort of thing. Sometimes I leave the care home and just cry the whole walk home, it just seems so unfair, she’s such an amazing woman who has had the most interesting life (she’s a German woman who married an English solider in 1949 for goodness sake), she shouldn’t have all that taken away from her! But she mostly just laughs when she realises who my mum is, and that it’s 2015 and that made me realise that I have as much control over this decline as she has. Neither of us can change the inevitable, and I’m not an uber scientist able to delve into the depths of chemistry for a cure, so all in all I’m just going to have to accept it.

The only thing I can control is how I feel and how much better I can make her daily life, whether she remembers it or not. That is what every other visitor at the home is doing, that is what every other resident at the home is doing. They would be weird if they liked loosing their marbles, but there is nothing they can do so they live with it, they make the best of it, the wonderful nurses there keep happy and upbeat at all times – every one has accepted that this is currently an inevitable part of growing old and are doing their best to make it as painless as it can be. And actually she’s doing okay, she has her bad moments but she knows who I am, she can’t remember what day it is or which city she lives in but she can remember what my name is, and for some reason she can remember that I’m getting married on 30th May, random woman.

This is a “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” thing. Apart from I don’t believe that God grants me this wisdom, I believe it is within my power and learning to teach myself acceptance; to grow from my experiences and be able to congratulate myself when the choices I make come good and learn from the choice that come out badly. My stepdad always says “the luck you get is the luck you make yourself” which has always stuck with me. I really do believe in fate, I believe opportunities are put in our way but I believe that it’s up to us how we utilise these opportunities, how we recognise them and benefit from them – that is the luck we make. I want to take responsibility for my own life; for the good and the bad – it’s all within my power. And I learned all this from visiting a care home full of some very confused but lovely old people. These old folks are teaching me an awful lot – just wish they knew it!

How to…

…holiday with anxiety and depression!

The world's fluffiest cat
Cat’s help, obviously

In mid December I was feeling really good. I felt that I had my darkness mostly under control and I hadn’t had to pop a propranolol for a while. I was feeling hopeful about the future and ready to set to work as a freelance writer in January. Life was looking up, and then something weird happened, I completely fell apart. On the 22nd I took to my bed with wild crying eyes, begging Chris to come home from work because I just couldn’t be alone. I was so scared, and of what I just didn’t know. Until I realised it was Christmas – I was scared of Christmas. What a fucked up situation!

It’s not usual that one is scared of Christmas but when you break it down it is sort of frightening; bright and often flashing lights everywhere, copious hugs and awkward hellos with distant family members who you’d rather not have to touch at all; the stress of watching someone open your present when you’re really not sure if you’re going to get the genuine “thanks!” or the not so genuine “oh, thaaaanks”; the stress of indeed getting the “oh, thaaanks” when said parcel is eventually exposed. And, I just have to be brave and say this…I hate Christmas dinner. It’s just a bigger Sunday lunch! I feel like Christmas calls for the kind of meal that you don’t have once a week, it’s special, it’s one day out of 365, what about a nice truffle risotto? Or a tasty Beef Wellington? Fondue! Just something that you don’t have every week for the rest of the year. Perhaps I should just change Sunday dinner to a weekly Fondue and then Christmas dinner really would feel like a treat. Although you would probably have to roll me to the table because after a year of weekly fondues I would indeed be a very large Milly Marble. And really good at solving countryside murders – obviously.

So what did I do? I took it easy actually, I took it all in my stride, not anyone else’s. At first I felt stupid and guilty for not being able to enjoy a time of year I usually relish and look forward to but that kind of emotion really did not help the situation. So I took time out from the festivities when I felt I needed to. That and I made sure a glass of fizz was always within reach. Dear readers I would love to tell you that alcohol didn’t help but alas, that would be an untruth.

So when Christmas was over, I breathed a sigh of relief as we drove away from the Uk and on to Switzerland, on a skiing holiday, for the New Year. I haven’t been able to go skiing for about 2 years and being spoiled as I am and used to at least one annual trip to the snow, I was really looking forward to getting back out on the slopes. But when I got there I found that I was racked with guilt. Holidays seemed to be things for people who work and I don’t have a job. But my sister put it quite succinctly when she said “but you have been working hard, you’ve been working hard at getting better and that’s a pretty full-time job.” It took me a while but I did eventually settle into the idea that just because I hadn’t been working in a 9-5 job, I did deserve a break, or at least I definitely did not not deserve one, if you know what I mean? So I let go a little bit. I counted my blessings and tried to enjoy them.

Happy couple on a sunny ski holiday

And I stopped putting pressure on myself to enjoy things that I felt I should, for example New Years Eve – I have always hated New Years Eve but always felt that if I treated it as any other night and went to bed when I felt like it, I would be missing out on something but I actually had the best New Years Eve I’ve ever had. We went to watch a band in a local bar at about 5.30pm, who were so bad that they managed to clear the entire place, when we got up to leave the guitarist said that we couldn’t go because we were the only ones left and that if we agreed to stay he’d buy us another drink! He then gave Chris the tambourine and we all joined in with the last couple of songs until the poor musicians really did have to admit defeat and pack up. Then we went home, I changed into my special New Years Even lounge outfit (stretch waist band), we had a great meal and then watched a Julie Walters documentary at which I laughed until I cried and then at 11pm we all went to bed. At 12am the fireworks woke me up but then I went back to sleep and we got up nice and early to catch the first lift up the mountain whilst everyone else nursed their New Year hangovers. Gloat.

My glamorous New Years Eve outfit
My glamorous New Years Eve outfit

This holiday season was a lesson in letting go. Opening up to the way I was feeling and just trying to be okay with that, by doing that I naturally let the better feelings in and the bad ones sort of seeped away. It did take the entire holiday to learn something I wish I’d know on the first day but now I know for next time – roll on honeymoon!

family ski holiday fun

How to…

… find yourself – I’m still working on it.

I’m continuing my journey to me through music with my next and final four tracks. If this post is coming a little out of the blue you can find the first half here.

So! Onwards with The List:

5, The Rose – Bette Midler

So the major part of my early development happened under the guidance of two very special people – my Mama (the formidable Mama G) and my sister (the equally formidable Jessi). For a while it was just the three of us, which has resulted in us being quite unusually close (our significant others will attest to this most vehemently!). My memories of this time are of a lovely, fun and overwhelmingly 90s period, which is a testament to my amazing mother as in reality she was a full-time teacher, a single mother of two and a newly separated (and I hope she doesn’t mind me saying) heartbroken woman. But we got each other through it, and this song represents that love can cause pain, but it can also be a great force for healing. This song also has a beautiful three-part harmony, so whenever we find ourselves sitting round a campfire on a beautiful summer evening, the three of us sing it, and I am reminded that every storm has its end, and that I come from some pretty amazing women, that I am a part of them and that as a result of this I am ridiculously lucky.

6, Betty Blue – John Cooper

This is a long-standing Desert Island Disc of mine as it is my incredibly talented father, John Cooper playing a saxophone solo at the Millennium Centre, with the composer of the piece accompanying him on the piano (she says, beaming with pride). This piece of music calms my soul and makes me think of leafy autumn walks, with cold red cheeks and brown leather boots. It also reminds me that if my father is this talented, I’ve got to be good at something – just haven’t quite figured out what it is yet!

7, The Songs That Make Sophie Fizz – Martha Tilston

The Songs That Make Sophie Fizz is mine and Jessi’s song. It perfectly describes our past, present and future relationship.  It’s such a wonderful thing to have a sister who is also your best friend. If (and when) I lose myself, Jessi is sure to find me, in one of two ways; she’ll coax me back to myself with Fizz and cheese and dress-up and laughter; or she’ll drag me back to myself by my hair – either way it’s most sisterly and effective.

8, You Are My Sunshine – My Oma

It’s a shame that I don’t have a recording of this because it would be a most treasured sound. But she’s a stubborn woman so I don’t think I’d be able to record her now. She used to sing this to me as a child. She has a card that a friend sent her, with a picture of  blue elephant frolicking on a beach (random) which plays the tune when you open it, so she would sing along and teach me the words. When I’m not sure I like parts of myself or I think my behaviour was a bit out of line (happens from time to time) this song reminds me at least of who I’d like to be; the person I’m working towards being. A woman as strong and bright and wise and funny as my Oma, my sunshine.

If my life was an album these would be the tracks. I should listen to them more often to remind me of where I’ve come from, where I’m going  and how I’m going to get there (by being myself – hopefully…and the all the working hard and stuff like that).

Now I just have to do something worthy of being a castaway – I’m working on it…

How to…

…find yourself. DEEP.

We all lose ourselves from time to time. We’re not always happy with who we’re being; how we’re behaving; what we’re doing. When I’m flailing around, searching for myself amongst all the nonsense that gets in the way – I turn to music. I have a playlist of music that reminds me where I’ve come from; where I’m going; why and how I became me – the real, unsullied person that sometimes hides under all these layers of crap.

Also, my biggest ambition in life is to be on Desert Island Discs so just incase good ol’ Kirsty gives me a call tomorrow and says in her beautiful lulling scottishness “Milly, fancy being my castaway next Friday?” I can say “Hells yizzle Kirsty, hold the mic, I’ll be right there.”

So, dear readers, The List:

1. Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison

I’ve been compiling a list of all the songs I plan to play at the big party that will be my wedding (I am getting married – I’m not doing this in a creepy shopping for your wedding dress before you’re engaged way) and this one came up as the top trumps family favourite. Whenever it comes on they shout ‘Milly’s song!!’ which now means that whenever I hear this song I feel great rush of self-celebration. If such a happy, cheery classic as this represents me I can’t be half bad can I? I definitely can’t be a sour-faced anxiety ridden hag. So I listen to it, smile and cheer the fuck up.

2. All I Really Want – Alanis Morissette

This takes me back to Gin Fridays (this was before we got classy and changed it to Fizz Fridays). My mama and God Mother would get together on Fridays and drink gin (does what it says on the tin kind of situation), which my sister and I loved because my dearest God Mama also had two daughters roughly our age. We used to leave the adults to their gin, go upstairs and listen to Jagged Little Pill (and wear weird hats, mostly Moroccan looking cap things without peaks – we rocked it). So now when I listen to this song I am blasted back to warm coloured childhood memories and reminded that I should think a bit more about what I really want – and be okay with that. I’m a good person who wants good things – I should see about getting them.

3. Wildflowers – Tom Petty

I have to thank my step dad, Robin for this song. It’s me in song form – it isn’t even part of who I’ve become – this is me as I came out of the womb, the most basic instincts of myself to run through fields of wildflowers in the rain, and talk to the sea and wear feathers in my hair. The minute I hear this song I think There you are, where HAVE you been you Silly Moo!? Robin has introduced so much wonderful music into my life but I think the effect that this song has on me means it’s one of my all time favourites – thanks Bob.

4. My Girl – The National

This is really Christopher’s song for me but then a big part of me is all wrapped up in Christopher. I don’t feel like I found myself when I found Chris at all, I was already a fully formed person, but a big part of me always felt a bit lonely, because all of my previous relationships (there were a few) had convinced me that the best I could do was find someone who accepted my eccentricities; someone who wouldn’t mind them, but when I met Chris I found someone who not only accepted the odd bits but loved them too – and more than that, understood them! Suddenly I found that no part of me was lonely anymore. It’s like he saw right through me and said ‘You understand me and I understand you. Good – now let’s be together forever, yeh?’ (don’t get me wrong, every now and again I shock the shit out of him, but one must keep the men folk on their toes). And that’s why you marry someone isn’t it? Because you’ve become a part of them and they’ve become a part of you. Plus in this song a scene is described where ‘the girl’ drives her car into a garden in a fit of anger and then says sorry to all the plants she’s crushed – which Chris is 100% sure I’m going to do one day!

As you may have noticed this post has now gotten a little long, so not wishing to take up any more of your valuable time, dear reader, I’ve decided to split it in two and publish the other 4 songs next week. You’re welcome.