Now obviously your bottom has some important bodily functions that must be taken care of and they can also be nice to touch, and wibble about in front of the mirror but I was getting ready for an evening out when I came across this on Youtube:
I’d gone from being excited for a lovely night out on the taaan to seriously depressed about the state of the world I’m going to have to bring children up in one day. It was a proper bummer (ha).
So I spent half of last week waiting for that special time in every woman’s month; the special time when your womb reminds you that it’s still there and that it’s really, really angry with you. During those three to four days prior to my “lady time” arriving, I quite simply become a different person. This is what Chris and I lovingly refer to as the Emotional Danger Zone. If you are wondering whether you also suffer from this particular affliction read on for the 12 signs that you are in the Emotional Danger Zone (I started with a nice round 10 but it turns out there are more than I thought):
If you can’t find your keys/phone/lip salve in your handbag, you burst into tears.
If you watch a John Lewis advert you burst into tears.
You want to eat your body weight in cheese.
If you can’t find any cheese in your fridge you burst into tears.
Chocolate feels like the only thing in the world that truly understands you and your ambitions for life.
When you can’t find any chocolate in your fridge you burst into tears.
Your normal personal space sphere widens by 10 meters and develops a steel exterior so that when your other half tries to affectionately stroke your back you accidentally punch them in the face.
If you accidentally punch your other half in the face, you burst into tears.
When people say the word “exercise” you have to refrain from spitting at (or near) them.
You feel a very strange and intriguing mix between severely angry and quite aroused (the outcomes of this particular feelings “mash-up” are interesting and variable).
You feel like wearing a T-shirt which says “Approach With Caution”.
On top of that t-shirt you feel like wearing a sign which says “Do Not Approach.”
If you can recognise any of these symptoms there is a strong chance that you are also in the Emotional Danger Zone. I recommend you find yourself an empty room, with a TV (sometimes it’s good to cry to John Lewis adverts), some chocolate, some cheese and some elasticated trousers. Hopefully this will help placate the womb – let me know how it goes!
… I hear the student who’s walking past me say, in a rather droll, bored manner, as if she doesn’t find it funny at all, which is presumably why she couldn’t muster herself to say “that’s pretty funny!” instead. She’s also wearing a Barbour jacket, how can students afford Barbour jackets?
I work in an area of Cardiff called Cathays, which for those of you who don’t live in this wonderful city (unfortunate) this is where ALL the students live. I’m pretty sure that if you walked into a letting agency in the area and told them you were over 22 years old they’d laugh you out of there. Most days I escape the small grey box that is my work place to spend my lunch breaks sat in the large window of a “studenty” cafe and “student watch”. Ahh the hilarious (and sometimes disturbing) fashion show that is “student watching”. Here are 10 attire related pieces of advice I wish I could shout at the those higher education loaths that languish past the window daily:
Your blusher is making you look aggressively embarrassed.
You have won a place at university which presumably means you are a generally intelligent person (or, if Michael Gove has had anything to do with your education, you can regurgitate knowledge you’ve temporarily crammed into your brain, which I consider a skill) so why can you not read a calendar? Yes it’s sunny outside but that does not automatically mean it’s warm outside, has no-one ever heard of a “crisp” day? Take those flip-flops and shorts off right this minute and go and find yourself some sensible brogues, a cosy jacket and go and Google “the seasons”.
Those jeans don’t fit, your either going to get chaffing or thrush, either because they are so tight they’re making you waddle or because you shouldn’t rub synthetic (god knows what they add to denim to make it stretchy) fabrics against your special places.
What is so wrong with coats and waterproof weather-protecting fabrics? If it is cold why wouldn’t you wear a coat? If it is raining why wouldn’t you wear a waterproof? I may look like an inner-city rambler in my purple kagool and I can hear your young sniggers as my glasses steam up under my hood but you look freezing and moist, and your silly “handbag” sized umbrella keeps blowing inside out, making you look like a complete knob. This is Wales, buy a Macintosh.
Your “messy up-do” isn’t messy, it’s comical.
LEGGINGS AREN’T TROUSERS! And they’re not as opaque as you think they are either.
You’re not Jesse J. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but even she can barely get away with the current (and unfortunate) 1980s/90s throwback fashions. Your baggy 80s style shirt buttoned all the way up to top and tucked into baggy yet incredibly tiny denim shorts, teamed with your “messy up-do” makes you look like an extra from an early French and Saunders sketch. You could play a bit part in one of the first Jonathan Creek shows because you definitely look like you’ve been styled by a young Caroline Quentin.
If the part of your tights that is darker than the rest (the bit shaped like “gym shorts” that encompasses your bottom bits) is visible under the line of your cut-off denim shorts – then they are too short. My knickers are bigger than what you’re laughably parading as clothes.
You are wearing shoes – why aren’t you wearing socks? You’re making those “I shop in Topman” casual deck shoes look sweaty and uncomfortable. Encompassing your very pale feet with a nice pair of socks would make you look much better, and you’d be warmer, which is important because my Oma says you can catch a cold through bare feet.